Boooo :(

I have been feeling extremely down lately. I hate to bitch to my friends, because I know they can only to listen to so much. I am still in California since Jason left. I am enjoying my time here, but I am also trying to keep from going crazy. I do like seeing them, but I guess I can only take them in smaller doses, because I am going crazy.

I haven't talked to my hubby in a couple days now. I knew this was a possibility... They are redoing the internet there, so he told me it would probably down while they are making the switch. It doesn't suck any less though. What sucks more? He called me today and I missed it. I cried the whole time I was listening to the voicemail. :(

I have been having major baby fever, but that is really nothing new. I keep telling myself how much easier/better it will be only having one child.... And yet here I am, sitting here sad.

I have always wanted a big family. I would adopt, but I don't think my husband is too excited about the idea. It would cost us thousands just to be able to do exactly what tons of people do every day... Let alone the cost of everything else we would need for the child. It hardly seems fair. I know I sound whiny, but I can't help it.

I am really, really tired of feeling this way. Will I ever be 100% okay with this? I hope so.

Newest Update... 3/27

So, I realize I haven't updated in a while. I have been pretty busy with my toddler(WHAT!?!) She turned 1 at the beginning on the month. She is such a joy to be around. She is always happy... And no, that isn't sarcasm. Haha.

I have been in California since mid-Februrary. I am enjoying it, for the most part. My parents are also kind of driving me nuts, but that is what parents do, right? I miss home, a lot. I know that I will miss my family a lot when I do go home though. I do hate to have my house just sit there. *Sigh* Deployments suck.

For the most part, I do get to talk to my husband quite a bit. (Unfortunately, today doesn't look like one of those days though.) I miss him like crazy. It is hard to know that he will miss an entire year. Please, one person tell me I chose this life... I am so damn tired of hearing that. Yes, I fell in love with a soldier, but I loved him enough to stick it out. Loving him that makes it hard to say goodbye for a little while... A year? It's insane.

Anyway, not much is new around here.. Fun fun stuff :)

Deployments and health worries

My husband has been gone for a week now, and I am doing a lot better than I expected to. I miss him a ton, but I have a feeling that these next few months will go by very fast... And with my daughter I don't have a ton of time to be sad. I am excited to send him his first care package as well; I always loved putting them together.

I have some health concerns that may or may not be a problem. My kidneys are acting up, and the urologist seems concerned. I don't know yet whether her "concern" is making sure there is nothing seriously wrong, or if there is a possibility that there IS something seriously wrong.

On Friday I will have a KUB (kidneys, ureter, bladder) x-ray done and a CT scan of the kidneys. She says it is possible that the reason I get frequent kidney infections is because of kidney stones. We will see, I guess...

I go from being concerned to not worrying about it. I will drive myself insane if I think about all the things that could be wrong. I know it kills Jason to be away while I have to undergo testing like this though. He tends to be paranoid.

I really don't like telling my friends about stuff like this, because they either pretend they care or feel like they have to be sympathetic. I am not looking for sympathy. It is something I deal with.... and have been dealing with for a while. Anyway, I'm sure I will be updating when I hear something more.

Deployments Suck... and other stuff :)

So these last few weeks have been filled with worry and stress over the (extremely) upcoming deployment. My husband leaves in a few days. That means we have both been on edge more, I have been crying more and we are both under stress. It is weird to "outsiders" to think that a military family argues more right before their soldier leaves... but it is true. Despite BOTH of our wishes, we have argued every day. *Sigh* Though I don't hate the Army, I do hate deployments. They suck.

I did receive some good news from an old friend a few days ago though- she is getting married! I was so excited to hear that. She is so low-key and laid back. I love that about her. She is getting married simply because she loves a man. I love that about her too. No competition, no annoying demands... Just a happy girl talking about her wedding. She knows I LOVE weddings and started talking to me about them. I am more than happy to help if I can... I might as well put my schooling to SOME use, right? She wants a vintage theme that I am in love with. Everything about it fits her perfectly.

I hope that when I get back to California we can plan a little more. I am so, so happy for her. Which is refreshing. Unlike everyone else, she is still the same girl I knew in High School. I don't feel like everything is a competition with her. She can truly be happy for someone and vise versa...

I have truly given up on trying to "keep up" with my some of my friends. Honestly, I don't give a shit anymore. They can't be happy for me, and apparently, I can't be happy for them. I try to not get caught up in the "I have the more perfect life" bullshit, but sometimes that is tough. Especially when it so easy... Since honestly, my life is "better."

I realize that sounds extremely arrogant, but hear me out... I don't live in the ghetto, so + one for me.... I have been married for 3 years and still going strong... And at the end of the month, I am okay financially. I never want to put my family through financial trouble to have what I want to make me seem "better." I don't even understand the point of "having it all" when it is obvious that person "has it all" at the expense of their family. In my opinion that person may as well have nothing.

So, I kinda went off on a tangent that I didn't mean to, but hopefully I will update soon. I may update more often after I am alone :( BOOOO! Deployments suck.