I just spent about 20 mins on the phone with my sister, crying about what happened when my daughter was born. It sounds so selfish, typing it out now... I am so fortunate to have a healthy baby girl and being healthy myself. There are so many people out there that can't even have children and here I am, 6 months post partum and I'm still hung up on what happened?
Sometimes I wonder if I should talk to someone... I feel like I burden my family with my talks... Either their eyes glaze over and it's "uh huh.. Yep" or "you should be happy that you have a healthy, beautiful daughter. That is really all that matters." Yes, it does matter and thank god for her good health. I just need someone to try to understand.
The neurologist told my husband that I had a much higher chance of post partum depression. My body was so in shock over the birth of my daughter that it would very likely stay that way for a while. I was lucky and I didn't get it... But I think that translates (to most people) to "you didn't get it, so it doesn't bother you."
Don't get me wrong, I am fine most of the time, but sometimes something stupid will set me off. The thing that got me started this time was talking to my sister about all the people I know that have recently had babies. It seems like there is a constant competition between all of us. I'll save this for a different post, though, because that will take a while! Haha.
I know it's dumb and selfish, but I think my biggest problem so far has been allowing myself to be sad about it. I try so hard to pretend it doesn't still hurt sometimes. Why? I really should give myself time to accept it. Maybe then I wouldn't end up crying to my poor sister who has no idea what to say except "I'm sorry." Talking does help, though. So thanks for listening :)
Showing posts with label eclampsia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eclampsia. Show all posts
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My birth story
I developed severe pre-eclampsia and then later eclampsia. I was induced at 37 weeks even though I really wanted a natural childbirth free of medical interventions and pain medication... Neither of those things happened. I like to think that I took the epidural because of all the pitocin I was on (and it was a lot) and the fact that they broke my water, but she is my first child, so I wouldn't know any differently.
I had a fever at birth, so they had to take my baby girl away and give her an IV of antibiotics, but other than that she was healthy and beautiful. She weighed 6 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was- and still is- absolutely perfect.
The reason pre-eclampsia is such a concern is because high blood pressure can cause a lot of problems... Most commonly seizures or stroke. I had two seizures after my daughter was born and I was in the ICU for 6 nights... Away from my daughter and my family. I was absolutely miserable. In fact, I would not be exaggerating if I told you that I have never experienced something more terrible in my life.
I can't know for sure, but I imagine that is what it feels like to be in a coma. I knew my family was with me (in the very short time they WERE allowed to be with me during the day) but I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. I wanted my daughter and I wanted my husband. I could feel emotion, but I couldn't express it. So, even though I was so happy when my husband and mom were able to see me, I couldn't show them... And they couldn't see me "cry" when they left, but honestly, I'm glad they didn't. I tried asking about my daughter, but I couldn't do that either. I missed her so much.
I barely remember anything from my stay in the ICU. I do remember being put on the stretcher in the ambulance, my emotions and feeling my second seizure coming on, though.
My husband helped me make all of my medical decisions for me, because I was incapable of doing so at that time. Thankfully, my husband is a researcher like I am and helped out a lot.
It still hurts sometimes, especially when people judge me for something minor, like not breastfeeding. Sometimes I tell them my story and sometimes I don't. It really isn't any of their business. I just feel so fortunate that my daughter and I (now, thankfully) are both healthy. Isn't that enough?
I had a fever at birth, so they had to take my baby girl away and give her an IV of antibiotics, but other than that she was healthy and beautiful. She weighed 6 lbs 9 oz and was 20 inches long. She was- and still is- absolutely perfect.
The reason pre-eclampsia is such a concern is because high blood pressure can cause a lot of problems... Most commonly seizures or stroke. I had two seizures after my daughter was born and I was in the ICU for 6 nights... Away from my daughter and my family. I was absolutely miserable. In fact, I would not be exaggerating if I told you that I have never experienced something more terrible in my life.
I can't know for sure, but I imagine that is what it feels like to be in a coma. I knew my family was with me (in the very short time they WERE allowed to be with me during the day) but I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. I wanted my daughter and I wanted my husband. I could feel emotion, but I couldn't express it. So, even though I was so happy when my husband and mom were able to see me, I couldn't show them... And they couldn't see me "cry" when they left, but honestly, I'm glad they didn't. I tried asking about my daughter, but I couldn't do that either. I missed her so much.
I barely remember anything from my stay in the ICU. I do remember being put on the stretcher in the ambulance, my emotions and feeling my second seizure coming on, though.
My husband helped me make all of my medical decisions for me, because I was incapable of doing so at that time. Thankfully, my husband is a researcher like I am and helped out a lot.
It still hurts sometimes, especially when people judge me for something minor, like not breastfeeding. Sometimes I tell them my story and sometimes I don't. It really isn't any of their business. I just feel so fortunate that my daughter and I (now, thankfully) are both healthy. Isn't that enough?
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