Boooo :(

I have been feeling extremely down lately. I hate to bitch to my friends, because I know they can only to listen to so much. I am still in California since Jason left. I am enjoying my time here, but I am also trying to keep from going crazy. I do like seeing them, but I guess I can only take them in smaller doses, because I am going crazy.

I haven't talked to my hubby in a couple days now. I knew this was a possibility... They are redoing the internet there, so he told me it would probably down while they are making the switch. It doesn't suck any less though. What sucks more? He called me today and I missed it. I cried the whole time I was listening to the voicemail. :(

I have been having major baby fever, but that is really nothing new. I keep telling myself how much easier/better it will be only having one child.... And yet here I am, sitting here sad.

I have always wanted a big family. I would adopt, but I don't think my husband is too excited about the idea. It would cost us thousands just to be able to do exactly what tons of people do every day... Let alone the cost of everything else we would need for the child. It hardly seems fair. I know I sound whiny, but I can't help it.

I am really, really tired of feeling this way. Will I ever be 100% okay with this? I hope so.

Newest Update... 3/27

So, I realize I haven't updated in a while. I have been pretty busy with my toddler(WHAT!?!) She turned 1 at the beginning on the month. She is such a joy to be around. She is always happy... And no, that isn't sarcasm. Haha.

I have been in California since mid-Februrary. I am enjoying it, for the most part. My parents are also kind of driving me nuts, but that is what parents do, right? I miss home, a lot. I know that I will miss my family a lot when I do go home though. I do hate to have my house just sit there. *Sigh* Deployments suck.

For the most part, I do get to talk to my husband quite a bit. (Unfortunately, today doesn't look like one of those days though.) I miss him like crazy. It is hard to know that he will miss an entire year. Please, one person tell me I chose this life... I am so damn tired of hearing that. Yes, I fell in love with a soldier, but I loved him enough to stick it out. Loving him that makes it hard to say goodbye for a little while... A year? It's insane.

Anyway, not much is new around here.. Fun fun stuff :)

Deployments and health worries

My husband has been gone for a week now, and I am doing a lot better than I expected to. I miss him a ton, but I have a feeling that these next few months will go by very fast... And with my daughter I don't have a ton of time to be sad. I am excited to send him his first care package as well; I always loved putting them together.

I have some health concerns that may or may not be a problem. My kidneys are acting up, and the urologist seems concerned. I don't know yet whether her "concern" is making sure there is nothing seriously wrong, or if there is a possibility that there IS something seriously wrong.

On Friday I will have a KUB (kidneys, ureter, bladder) x-ray done and a CT scan of the kidneys. She says it is possible that the reason I get frequent kidney infections is because of kidney stones. We will see, I guess...

I go from being concerned to not worrying about it. I will drive myself insane if I think about all the things that could be wrong. I know it kills Jason to be away while I have to undergo testing like this though. He tends to be paranoid.

I really don't like telling my friends about stuff like this, because they either pretend they care or feel like they have to be sympathetic. I am not looking for sympathy. It is something I deal with.... and have been dealing with for a while. Anyway, I'm sure I will be updating when I hear something more.

Deployments Suck... and other stuff :)

So these last few weeks have been filled with worry and stress over the (extremely) upcoming deployment. My husband leaves in a few days. That means we have both been on edge more, I have been crying more and we are both under stress. It is weird to "outsiders" to think that a military family argues more right before their soldier leaves... but it is true. Despite BOTH of our wishes, we have argued every day. *Sigh* Though I don't hate the Army, I do hate deployments. They suck.

I did receive some good news from an old friend a few days ago though- she is getting married! I was so excited to hear that. She is so low-key and laid back. I love that about her. She is getting married simply because she loves a man. I love that about her too. No competition, no annoying demands... Just a happy girl talking about her wedding. She knows I LOVE weddings and started talking to me about them. I am more than happy to help if I can... I might as well put my schooling to SOME use, right? She wants a vintage theme that I am in love with. Everything about it fits her perfectly.

I hope that when I get back to California we can plan a little more. I am so, so happy for her. Which is refreshing. Unlike everyone else, she is still the same girl I knew in High School. I don't feel like everything is a competition with her. She can truly be happy for someone and vise versa...

I have truly given up on trying to "keep up" with my some of my friends. Honestly, I don't give a shit anymore. They can't be happy for me, and apparently, I can't be happy for them. I try to not get caught up in the "I have the more perfect life" bullshit, but sometimes that is tough. Especially when it so easy... Since honestly, my life is "better."

I realize that sounds extremely arrogant, but hear me out... I don't live in the ghetto, so + one for me.... I have been married for 3 years and still going strong... And at the end of the month, I am okay financially. I never want to put my family through financial trouble to have what I want to make me seem "better." I don't even understand the point of "having it all" when it is obvious that person "has it all" at the expense of their family. In my opinion that person may as well have nothing.

So, I kinda went off on a tangent that I didn't mean to, but hopefully I will update soon. I may update more often after I am alone :( BOOOO! Deployments suck.

Top Reasons why I Feel the Need to Purge Facebook Regularly...

I know I am not the only person who regularly defriends people from Facebook. These are the number one reasons someone is considered for "defriending." (In no particular order)

1. The "Woe is me" friend- I get it, sometimes life sucks. A person is constantly being tested with shit... And everything always seems to go wrong at the same time. Times are tough for everyone, I promise, woe is me friend, you are not the only one going through hard times. The difference? Not everyone feels the need to post it all over facebook.


2. Constant competition- Nothing annoys me more. Those people always have better material possessions and/or have the better relationship... and they want to make sure you know it. Does this fool anyone? When someone does this, I write them off. Obviously, they are jealous and feel the need to try to make others jealous... Otherwise, what is the point?
Example- My husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is the best! He bought me ______, _______ and _________. It cost $____. He/She really loves me.

3. The "Been there, done that" friend- You broke your leg? Wuss! This friend broke both arms AND both legs.. AT THE SAME TIME! Your toddler is walking? Well their INFANT is walking AND came out of the womb humming Bach, because they only listened to classical music during their pregnancy!

(See number 2, these people are usually competitive too!)

4. Drama Queens/Kings- Okay, your husband is an asshole. Do not post 5 million times about how he is cheating scum and then a month later expect all of your friends to be happy when you decide to take him back. Your friends are not jealous, they are looking out for you. After all, you yourself called him scum. Did you not? There is no need to get in arguments on a status update. It doesn't look like you "have your man's back" when you threaten to kick your best friend's ass, it makes you look like trash. She is keeping YOUR best interests in mind!

5. The big spenders who still live with their parents- No, I don't think it is a good idea to try to conceive when you live with your parents... Move out and stop mooching. Also, please do not brag to me about the wonderful things you buy that child. Yes, I have a child and NO she does not have every thing in the world, nor does she need it. Grow up. I don't have time for that crap. I have a mortgage to worry about. If I could live rent/mortgage free, believe me, I would.

This also applies to the people who cannot provide the basics for themselves and/or their families but continue to buy shit they don't need. I am not jealous of your shit, I think you are being irresponsible.

I KNOW there are more, but I can't seem to think right now... What are YOUR biggest pet peeves on facebook?

Bad CYS Experience

So, last night I sold the rest of my diapers... It honestly turned me off to ever selling anything on campbellyardsales or craigslist ever again. I was selling my Kawaii diapers for $5 each. The diapers had no staining, were all in excellent condition and came with 2 inserts each. $5 is a damn good price for those diapers.

The woman IM's me via CYS chat and asks if I can meet her later. I say yes. She asks where I live and I tell her what area... She THEN asks if I am willing to meet her at Walmart (that is 30 mins away) I say fine. She tells me she is going between 7-8, and again, I agree to that time.... I hear nothing from her until 7:15, when she emails me telling me she is leaving for Walmart soon. So, I leave to go there. (Even though at this point I want to relax... I just laid the baby down for bed and my husband had recently gotten home from work) I get there at 8.

8:15 rolls around and no call, no text... Nothing. I call my husband, furious asking what to do. I wanted to go home. My life does not revolve around others, and let me tell you, $15 is not worth this crap. He gives me her number and tells me to give her a chance... So, I text her and tell her where I am parked (it is now 8:25) she texts back and lets me know "she will be there in a sec." So, instead of leaving I wait, because a sec isn't very long, right??? No... Her "sec" turned out to be me waiting around till 8:40... The same minute I was very seriously going to drive away. She gave no explanation except that it had been a crazy night.

Look lady, I don't care whether or NOT you had a crazy night. Including driving time, I spent almost two hours waiting on you. $15 is crap money as far as that is concerned. You can't even tell me you are sorry? I wanted to be home with my family, but instead, I was sitting in a parking lot for 40 mins (not to mention that Walmart is 30 mins AWAY from my family... So I didn't get home till after 9!)

Writing this out is just upsetting me more. I felt like she was extremely selfish and rude. I should've driven off at 8:30 like I planned. All I wanted was some sort of time line. Instead of telling me "I'll be there in a sec" I wish she would've said "I am checking out, I will be there as soon as I am done." A sec tells me that you will be right here... Which is the only reason why I didn't leave right then and there.

Well, I can only say it was a learning experience. If I am going to meet someone somewhere, they can do it on MY time. No more driving way out of the way and waiting around for that long. I have more important things to do. That crap isn't worth $15, I promise.

Update on the Prefolds...

So, the last time I wrote a blog I had just bought some prefolds. I was a little nervous about trying them too. I love them. In fact, we are in the process of selling my pockets, and switching over to prefolds.

They are easy, cheap and trim. We spent $70 on 10 pocket diapers. That is an extremely cheap, but $70 IS quite a chunk of money for us, just to find out that they are too tight on her chunker thighs. It is nice to find a diaper system that is cheap and easy to use.

To be honest, I was hoping I could use the pocket diapers at night, but they were leaving deep marks on G's thighs. There was no way around them, so I decided to get rid of them.

I posted them for sale on campbellyardsales.com, (Similar to craigslist.com) for $5 per diaper. I sold the "boy colors" immediately, but I am still waiting on selling the girly ones. I was hoping to sell them together, but I made one hell of a sale/trade with her. She got 6 of my diapers... She gave me 4 prefolds, one cover and $10.

Thanksgiving-
Thanksgiving is coming up. I'm cooking, but not a lot. It will only be me, my husband and a friend. Last year, I was pregnant and we went to a friend's house. That friend has since lost contact with me, but I miss hanging out with her the way we did. She is a good person. Oh well, stuff like that happens, right?

Sometimes, I wish it was as simple as elementary school... No one cares who's "fault" it is/was. They just decide they want to be friends again.

"Scary" prefolds...

Today I went to the local cloth diapering store Butzie Covers to get some Rockin' Green detergent. We were having some issues with her pocket dipes causing a rash... Thanks to mommy's washing mistakes :( The staff was wonderful and very willing to help.

We went in there to spend $15 on detergent... and left $55 later with Rockin' Green, 6 unbleached prefolds, a super cute cow-print cover and a snappi. I never thought I would see the day... Ever. I also never thought that I would choose this route, and even moresurprising??? I am thrilled. In fact, they are being prepped right now! :D

The ONLY reason I even considered prefolds was because G has chunky thighs and a skinny waist, so finding a good fit with her other pocket diapers can be difficult. When I asked for advice on diaperswappers.com, prefolds were suggested. They are cheap too, which was definitely a necessity.

I will give an update as soon as I try them!

Gay Rights are Human Rights

I am extremely pro-gay rights. I have been asked why I care so much, so here's why...

Call me cliche, but I want better for my daughter. I want her to grow up knowing it is okay to be herself. I want her to know that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is.

And, if she isn't gay? I want her to stand up for what is right. I want her to be the child that stands up for the bullied kid. I want her to take his/her hand and tell them THEY are beautiful and perfect, just the way they are. Nothing would make me more proud then to know my daughter can see passed what others seem to get so hung up on. (Race, religion, sexuality... you name it.)

Gay rights are civil rights. Separate but equal wasn't fair then and it isn't fair now. Someday the "hot topic" of that is currently gay marriage will be a thing of the past. I look forward to that day.

Back from the Retreat

So, my fears of leaving G with the daycare were stupid. The daycare staff was amazing and they absolutely adored her. Every time we dropped her off they said things like "She is the best baby!" We were glad she was good, but we also wondered where that baby went when she saw mommy and daddy later that night! Haha. She didn't sleep at all in the hotel room, but other than that, we all had a blast.

She absolutely loves water, so during our "free time" on Saturday we took her to the in-door pool. (Apparently we chose a good time to go, because there was only two other people there.) She splashed and kicked and laughed at daddy. I can honestly say that was our favorite part of the trip... and we were only there for 30 mins.

Regrettably, I didn't take many pictures. I took two, both of G passed out on the bed. I guess she had too much fun that day ;)

I am very glad we went, but let me tell you, there is nothing like getting home to your own bed.... And NOT sharing a room with an 8 month old, lol!

Lovin' the Cloth!

I have ordered and received my KaWaii diapers. They are the one-size pockets with snaps. I LOVE THEM!!! I got them on Tuesday, but I didn't get to use them until yesterday. (Will explain later.) Yesterday I was a bit awkward with them... Which I suppose is to be expected, since before yesterday, I had never even handled a cloth diaper.

My daughter has chunky legs and a very skinny waist. Getting a "good fit" with the snaps was a bit difficult in the beginning. At first I was afraid of snapping the waist too tight, but what that really meant was it was too loose, and it leaked. I started to get nervous. I wondered "is this really what cloth diapers are like!?" I was completely turned off.

Luckily, after my husband got home, he was able to distract the baby while I played with the snaps. We were able to get a good fit with no leaks! I wasn't feeling confident enough to let her wear one overnight, though.

Now, for an update on myself-
I went to the ER on Monday night. Apparently, I had a gotten a UTI a week or two before and THOUGHT it was from my interstitial cystitis. Good news? I have not "relapsed." (I hate that term!) The bad news is I have a horrible kidney infection.

I went to the ER because I couldn't keep anything down. I was getting sick every 10-20 mins. I really didn't want to go if I didn't have to, but I knew I had reached my breaking point.

They wanted to keep me overnight, but I really just wanted to get home. Honestly, I probably would've felt a lot better (physically) if I had stayed, but god knows I hate nothing more than the hospital.

Now, for the fun stuff-
Tomorrow, the Army is putting on a marriage retreat. My husband and I have been to one before... The one before was a more exciting destination, Gatlinburg. (We are going to Franklin, in the Nashville area, this time.) But more "exciting" typically means "more expensive" in my house. Lol! The nice thing is they will be covering our hotel room and meals.

G is allowed to go with us, which is nice. They will even have free child care, if we want it. I am not so sure about that though, because other than family, she has never had a babysitter. I don't know how many kids will be in childcare either, which is important. She is only 8 months old. She can get into a lot of trouble, haha. She is attempting to crawl, so eyes have to be on her constantly. If not, she might do something bad, or another child might hurt her. (Unintentionally or intentionally.)

I know I sound like an overbearing mommabear, but I really don't feel comfortable with the idea of any baby crawling around without direct supervision. Who knows??? I will be sure to give an update (and maybe post pics!) when I get back.

Update 10/21

SO I'm sorry this is so late... I can't really lie and say I have been too busy, just distracted. So, this is what has been going on-
1. My husband left for Ft. Bliss for off-post training. (Which he coming home from in a few days!)
2. G is 7 months old!
3. I ordered 10 cloth diapers last night. I am so excited to get them!
4. I (finally) finished my first semester of school, and I am just waiting on my final exam grade.
5. I have made a lot of progress with my feelings about my eclampsia. I can talk about it and not get upset.

Jason hasn't been gone very long, he will have been gone for 20 days total. Compared to deployments, it really isn't that long. I hate missing him because it makes me feel like I will have a terrible time with the deployment.... And I am scared for him. Not for his health/safety, but saying goodbye to his daughter for so long. I hate to see him upset and I know this will kill him.

Ahhhh, I can't believe my little girl is 7 months old! Time has really gone by way too fast :( I am trying so hard to enjoy it now, because it will be my only time in "the baby phase." I wasted way too much time waiting for the next stage. I have decided to enjoy it now. 18 years will go by way too fast... and if she follows in our footsteps she will leave at 18 :( (But she better not leave to get married, her daddy will kill her! lol)

I have been wanting to get cloth diapers for a while now. We use huggies with G.... Which has come out to be very expensive for us. I decided to buy the Kawaii brand diapers. They aren't a well-known brand (like bum genius or fuzzibunz) but they are about half the price, and according to the reviews, just as good. I ended up spending about $72 for 10... The price is certainly right! I am so excited to get them, I'm just being so impatient.

I have finally decided that school was worth my time again, lol. I decided to suck it up and take my proctored exams. I have no idea what I was so "busy" with before! Haha. I passed two out of the three, and I am just waiting to hear on the last one. I am excited to continue with the program.

I don't have a ton to say about the last one... Except that I no longer cry when I talk about it :) I used to think "oh pooooorrr meee" but that was stupid. I realize how lucky I am that the seizures were postpartum and NOT during my pregnancy. If that was the case, we might not be here. I really think the fact that we are, and we are both healthy, is something to be thankful for.


Yep, that's pretty much it... I'm not too exciting :) I do want to add, though, that Nancy Grace is disgusting and she can't take the heat that she LOVES to dish. Any negative comment on her facebook gets deleted. *Roll eyes*

Shame on you Safety 1st! *

I have been looking for a car seat for my daughter for a while, and my husband and we have finally decided on one. We have been doing research (thank you consumerreports.org) and going to see them in store. Yesterday we made an hour trek to go to the only Babies R US in the area just to be 100% sure.

Our first choice was the Safety 1st Convertible seat. They make you think that the car seat is doubly safe with its "air technology." It IS safe, don't get me wrong, but it is not any safer than any other seat.

Let me explain further...
Most car seats are lined with (at least some) EPS liner. EPS stands for Expanded Polystyrene. (It looks like Styrofoam.) The safety 1st doesn't have any EPS liner, but instead has their "air bags." (For lack of a better term.)

Take, for example, a bicycle helmet... It has its hard, outer shell. That is protect your head from most damage, should you fall and hit it. Think of that as the plastic part of the car seat. Then, you have the EPS liner that will protect your head further. It will take the brunt of impact from the fall and greatly reduce what kind of pressure your head will recieve. Then, since styrofoam really isn't exactly confortable, there are the pads. The pads also protect from the impact, but the work mostly falls with the EPS.

The same goes for car seats. It may not sound very high tech, but it has been proven to work time and again. As I said before, there are car seats that don't have EPS, but like helmets, the impact will lie on the car seat covers.

Safety 1st makes you think that their car seat is safer than the rest. Yes, the "air bags" will take the brunt of the impact (the whole point of EPS) but they make you feel like it is doubly safe. When we took the cover off of the seats (and yes, we did this to every seat) we were extremely disappointed. To me, I might as well of just bought a convertible car seat with EPS (there was an Evenflo there for $70 with EPS) because, in my opinion, it was equally as safe.

I am not into "scare tactics" for marketing. I don't appreciate people making parents feel like they don't care about their kids if they don't buy ______ product. You can see their website for the air seat here- http://airprotect.safety1st.com/

Also, call me stupid, but I trust Consumer Reports. I realize the Safety 1st is new, but I don't really like that they haven't tested it.

*DISCLAIMER*
I am not a doctor. I am adamant about research... Especially something that will keep my daughter safe in a car accident. I am not telling you not to buy anything, this is solely my opinion.

Talking helps

I just spent about 20 mins on the phone with my sister, crying about what happened when my daughter was born. It sounds so selfish, typing it out now... I am so fortunate to have a healthy baby girl and being healthy myself. There are so many people out there that can't even have children and here I am, 6 months post partum and I'm still hung up on what happened?

Sometimes I wonder if I should talk to someone... I feel like I burden my family with my talks... Either their eyes glaze over and it's "uh huh.. Yep" or "you should be happy that you have a healthy, beautiful daughter. That is really all that matters." Yes, it does matter and thank god for her good health. I just need someone to try to understand.

The neurologist told my husband that I had a much higher chance of post partum depression. My body was so in shock over the birth of my daughter that it would very likely stay that way for a while. I was lucky and I didn't get it... But I think that translates (to most people) to "you didn't get it, so it doesn't bother you."

Don't get me wrong, I am fine most of the time, but sometimes something stupid will set me off. The thing that got me started this time was talking to my sister about all the people I know that have recently had babies. It seems like there is a constant competition between all of us. I'll save this for a different post, though, because that will take a while! Haha.

I know it's dumb and selfish, but I think my biggest problem so far has been allowing myself to be sad about it. I try so hard to pretend it doesn't still hurt sometimes. Why? I really should give myself time to accept it. Maybe then I wouldn't end up crying to my poor sister who has no idea what to say except "I'm sorry." Talking does help, though. So thanks for listening :)

Illness...

And by illness, I don't mean my daughter, thankfully. I have a horrendous cold (thanks to my husband!) and my daughter is non-stop. She is sleeping right now, which is giving me some time to rest. My husband is "in the field" for training right now... So it's just me and her. It only makes sense that I would get sick now, right?

I am trying very hard to make sure she doesn't get sick too. She has never been sick before *knock on wood* and I really don't plan to change that now. I feel really terrible because I feel like she feels like mommy thinks she's a burden :( I don't, but it is nice when she naps!

Changing subjects here for a minute...
I am really scared about this upcoming deployment. My husband has been in this training for the last few weeks. Every.Single.Day. Before he went into the field, he was able to come home at night, so that was nice... But he had to be there very early and didn't get home till after my daughter was asleep for the night. Now that he is in the field we have absolutely 0 communication. Luckily for us, it is only 5 days. Then he will get out of this training and life will return to normal.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a quick update. Hopefully I will have better news later!

The Mommies Network

I wanted to thank The Mommies Network for featuring one of my blogs on their blogger! You can see that here. And also making it possible to make friends in this town.

I am incredibly awkward when it comes to meeting new people. I wasn't in high school, but then again, I am not being forced to sit next to people for 180+ days at a time anymore... I tend to be quite judgmental and jump to conclusions. I also always assume people will not like me. The thought of introducing myself to someone makes me cringe.

I was very excited when I found Clarksville Mommies. (A part of the Mommies Network.) Here was a low-key way to meet women who share the same interests as you- your children. The site has a chat, forums and a monthly calendar- which, might I add, is always full! I have been a member of the site from almost the very beginning, but due to everything that happened with G's birth, I had not been to any events. I can finally drive again and I took G to our first playdate the other day.

I was very nervous, but the other women accepted me and my daughter with open arms. I was extremely relieved because, like I said, I am very awkward when I meet new people.

I cannot wait to go to my next event. I (and my daughter) need more friends and being stuck in the house is not a way to make them, lol.

If you are interested in learning more about the Mommies Network and/or seeing if you have one in your area see- themommiesnetwork.org

Swaddling

For a while there I didn't think G would sleep unless she was swaddled. She used it for nighttime sleeping and even naps during the day. She LOVED it.

At first we had this Swaddler, but I was never a fan. She could easily get out of it because it didn't get tight enough for her and they are very short(not good for my very tall girl.) Also, there aren't very many sizes. We had a choice, deal with the loose swaddler or scrunch up her legs. We choose loose swaddler... Which really means it is useless. She continued to work her way out of it (because it was so loose) and it was not doing its job!

I read some great reviews about The Woombie and I figured I would try it out. They are reasonably priced and, if your baby is anything like mine, it will help them sleep a lot better at night... And that is priceless!

She used a Woombie every time she went to sleep until she was almost 5 months old when she weaned herself of it. Like I said, there was a time there when I thought that we might have some problems... (Luckily, the woombie has a lot of sizes, so that wouldn't have been a problem for a while.)

The weaning process was so ridiculously simple. She was no longer soothed (instantly, might I add...) when she was put in it, and she fussed and tried to get out. She has picked up a new nighttime habit though- clinging to mommy. No one else is allowed to put her to bed. That's okay though because that is our cuddle time. :)

If your (younger) baby is having sleeping problems, I urge you to try swaddling. Like I said, I didn't like the swaddlemes, but a lot of people do. It really depends on the baby.

Screw you, teething!

Ugh, my poor baby. She has been teething for the past (almost) 3 months! I think and hope that the two teeth that have been trying to break through are finally at the surface. She is an absolute bear today.

Currently, she is taking a nap in her crib... But it wasn't easy to get her there. She was obviously tired, but in pain (poor thing!) She was screaming and pulling on her ear, so I finally broke down and gave her some Tylenol. I guess it helped because she is sleeping soundly... For the time being, anyway.

Teething has been a slooowwww process for us! I will be relieved when these ones pop. Like I told a friend yesterday- it isn't that I want her to have teeth, it's that I want the pain to stop.

The scary thing is after these ones break through, this will start all over again. Hopefully it wont take as long though. I hate to see her hurting. :(

Dear Mom and Dad,

I want you to know that it kills me that you have to see your only grandchild grow up over the computer. I know you hate it, and I'm sorry. I am (and will continue) trying so hard to make sure that she knows both of you and that you both love her very much.I also feel like I hurt you with my choice to marry a soldier. I know you both like him a lot though and that is very important to me. I'm sorry for leaving so soon.

Please know that I am happy. I have a wonderful life here. Besides missing our families, I love it. This is everything I ever wanted out of a marriage and family. Please, don't worry about me. Jason takes care of me. He loves me so much. I know you both know that, especially after everything that happened after G was born.

I'm sorry for all of the holidays I have missed. It sucks, I know. Jason leaves every other year... I know how it feels to have the holidays incomplete. It's part of the military life that I don't love.

You may never truly understand why I chose this life for myself (and continue to choose it for my family.) I am trying to help you understand. I hope that you do, someday... And if you do now, thank you for understanding. The Army has given my family more than I could ever ask for at 21. I know you know that. I want to continue to give G the best life possible... And I know you know that, too.

I can't wait to see you both again, but I hate to leave. It breaks my heart. All of these feelings come out again. I feel guilty for making these choices. I feel like I was selfish... I wanted to write this to you so that you know that even though I am far away I love you. I didn't mean to make this as sappy as it was, so I'm sorry for that... I started tearing up with the title.

Love,
Megan

PS- I wrote this letter here so that I have the option of not sending you the link. :P

To Other Readers- I realize how personal this is, but as I said, I wanted the option of NOT sending the link, but I needed to get my thoughts out, too. Thankfully, that's what blogs are for :)

Also, I wanted to show people what military families often go through. This is not the best way to do that, unfortunately, but you kind of get the idea.

Car seats...

I can't believe the time is already here, but we are starting to look for a new car seat for my girl. She doesn't need it yet, but Christmas is coming up. I know, it's kind of a lame gift, but she will probably need one by then and she wont remember it anyway.

The panic is setting in again. I feel like if I don't research the poor seats to death that I don't know enough. I need to know everything... Or at least I feel like I do. In fact, being the "researching family" that we are, my husband bought a month subscription to Consumer Reports just to research seats.

I had my heart set on the Safety 1st Air Convertible car seat but, I had to research to be doubly sure. (Note the sarcasm in my voice. Even I know my "research" can get ridiculous!) I got worried because a lot of reviews say that the seat is absolutely gigantic rear-facing. I have a midsized car, but it isn't that big!

I heard somewhere that Babies R Us lets you try the seat in your car before you buy it. (Though I am not sure if that is true or not...) If they do, I would like to try it in my backseat, if it is too large I have to have a backup.

I have started looking at Britax seats. I am most interested in the Britax Marathon, but lets be honest here, they are very expensive. I was very comfortable with the (approximately) $180 price range on the Safety 1st seat, but these look to be around $250+. I have said (and will say it again) that I am more than willing to pay for quality, but we do not have an unlimited budget. However, if I go with the cheaper one (assuming it even fits in the car...) I feel like I might as well tell my daughter "I love you, but you are only worth $180..."

I know how stupid that sounds, believe me, and I absolutely do not look down on anyone for the products they buy their children. I am a young mom, though... I guess it makes me feel like if I buy the Britax, I can show everyone who told me I was too young that I AM a good mom. Again, I realize I sound stupid... and I have completely veered off in the wrong direction of the original post, lol.

You know, sometime I feel like I have the hardest job in the world (as a stay at home mom) and other times I laugh at my "hard job." Stressing about car seats? I will let you guys know what seat I choose when I finally do.

Also, any suggestions are appreciated!